(Do you remember the time.? I was just thinking about. Recognizing and acknowledging the impact for good that one leaves behind, thanks to some deed or interaction, can be a comfort in the waning days of life. Would cold carrot-and-apple soup taste good?), I try to listen to how it must feel. If a new manifestation of her disease is especially terrible (Black tongue today? Yick. If she is able to walk around the block, we rejoice over flowering shrubs or laugh at particularly homely-looking dogs being walked by matching owners. What we talk about instead is the day at hand. I have not talked with Joan about things spiritual since that brief exchange. I don't think I need to 'find God' right now-although perhaps I'll change my mind at the eleventh hour." "Others may need to believe in something more, and that's fine. "I am perfectly comfortable with the belief that the end is the end," she says. Joan, a non-observant Jew, also facing terminal cancer, feels strongly that this life is all there is. But I know others who want to dump their own religious certainties on me and that can be terribly offensive." The "just listen" admonition may be particularly appropriate here. "People willing to share their thoughts on the possibilities of something more than this mortal life have been really helpful to me. "It's important to differentiate between 'spiritual' and 'religious'," says Sara, another woman in her fifties with cancer now defying intervention. One man uses this effective greeting with a close friend who is dying, pausing quietly between phrases: "How are you doing physically?". Try to avoid offering instant solutions or pleasantries, instead saying, "That must be awful/gratifying/painful/frustrating/wonderful," or whatever single word fits. Critical to talking with someone who is dying is practicing the art of listening: be present and wait or ask a question and wait. Simple expressions of concern are what most of us, living or dying, welcome, especially if the expression comes from a good listener. "I love you," according to the woman above, "is sort of a generic OK expression in the case of those who are dying." Or, if you are a close friend, to say, "I love you" and let it go at that. The best solution is often to say nothing at all, simply to be present. "I weigh my words to avoid burdening my friends, and they stay away because they think they don't know what words to use."ĭon't let a concern for saying the "wrong thing" keep you away from a friend or loved one who's facing death. "Somehow it seems a little unfair," says one 55-year-old woman suffering from metastasized breast cancer. After the diagnosis comes breaking the news to friends and family, dealing with colleagues and neighbors, finding new ways to speak about the unspeakable. Strange as it sounds, the terminal diagnosis is often the "easy" part. The following was compiled with the help of several terminally ill friends and advice from others who work with individuals facing life's end. But beyond hugs, words are what we have left. Words fail most of us when someone we love is dying.
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